Primate Professor Returns to the Jungle

After a year of wilderness homesteading on my Mexican desert ranch and a month of wild pollenating on my Mexican desert flower, I have planted my white gringo ass on the jungle beaches of Huatulco, Oaxaca. Another chapter in my life. The rainforest-encircled Universidad del Mar has invited this primitive American ape to thump his chest and swing on a tire in a professor's office. I must now write more books too.

Instead of bemoaning the uncivilized nature of my scribblings, as sensitivity police do, an enlightened university understands that anytime a savage beast stops scratching himself long enough to attempt written communication is a moment for academic celebration. People who don't buy my books are really animal haters. Women who find my rudementary gestures and crude mating overtures to be cute rather than disgusting are true animal lovers.

Such compassion for the lower life forms can often generate enough good karma to let a girl acheive multiple nirvanas in one night. So, readers should expect my forthcoming dispatches to have a beach or rainforest flavor - except when I cannot remember where the hell I am, in which case they will probably have a pineapple, coconut, and rum flavor. Sitting in a paradise, gawking at a pair of breasts, working on a paragraph: I'm not goofing off; this is actually my job.

Female readers visiting Mexico are urged to book a night at my seaside B & B (bed and breastfest). Our generous package includes a massage, a bottle of cheap wine, a bouquet of flowery conversation, an ancient fertility ritual, and a shamanistic/ showeristic cleansing. (Ritual and cleansing can be repeated hourly in Kama Sutra variations for the truly spiritual. Guests who tell friends just how generous our package is receive all hospitality services free of charge.

It wouldn't be such a lonely planet, if more guidebooks offered B & B with R & R plus T & A like our fine establishment does. Backpackers will find us to be a great hostel but a bit hostile if they refuse to accept a double-strength shamanic cleansing on arrival. Namaste but no more stay! We are proud to offer a smoke and stink free environment plus a resident traditional healer with a nearly-guaranteed cure for hot lesbians. Ask about our "technically bisexual" discount!