50 Shades of Gringo Sexual Dysfunction

My dangerously sexy Mexican woman and I performed our Valentine's Day duty by attempting to sit thru the "romantic movie" deemed "must see" by the global culture arbitrators of New York. What a joke! About half way thru the S & M feel good hit of the season 50 Shades of Grey, we looked at each other and laughingly exclaimed, "Pobre gringos!" Our pity for white folks stemmed from the naked fact that the allegedly hot sex in this chic flic is about as smoldering as the sex she and I have when she's sick and I'm tired.

Now, I'm not bragging that our humping is especially awesome. I'm lamenting that many uptight unromantic moderns are so incapable of real passionate love that this book and film actually seem erotic to them. Likewise, my tasteless public admission to having constant breathless satisfaction without the use of jumper cables or hot wax will strike some unfortunates as insensitive boasting. Still, why don't we talk about the root of the problem rather than shooting the cocky annoying messenger?

There was a recent time in America when machismo idiots (men who disrespect women) wondered how they could mistreat and cheat on their wives without destroying the spark of the relationship. A stupid and degenerate question. Today, feminist idiots (women who disrespect men) are desperately pondering how women can have sex with guys they hardly know who have no love for them without any risk of being mistreated. Another dumb and perverted inquiry. I used to see lots of American men going to enormous lengths to avoid the consequences of their infidelities and lies. Now, I see lots of American women devising "rape culture guidelines" to reduce the dangers of sex with a bad man who doesn't give a shit about them. Another fool's errand.

Of course, women still need a little loss of control to make it primal and exciting. So, young women fantasize about vampires who might kiss or kill you, while older women flock to this film about a handsome stranger who offers a dungeon of somewhat painful but hopefully not lethal toys. Ridiculously, many of these same women would consider maximizing pleasure by including real love and intense adoration from a man good enough to be trusted when he is ravaging you with muscles capable of terminating you to be unrealistic. Romance is no longer fashionable among the jaded. (Likewise, some folks with a sexually-transmitted disease consider peeing without a burning sensation to be a quaint old-fashioned memory, but not many are shameless enough to brag about it.)

Nearly complete disclosure: I like rough aggressive animal passion. (I don't always stop holding down my screaming princess when she begs me somewhat insincerely to do so.) I also like tender sweet love under a soft quilt on a rainy afternoon. However, I have no use for sex without love and respect. When these passion catalysts are lacking, one must go to extremes to get off. Whether you are eating donuts and watching cartoons all day or suffocating someone with a plastic bag and burning them with a cigarette lighter, calling it an alternative lifestyle doesn't make it less sad. America challenged nature by splitting the atom with amazing and horrifying consequences. Splitting the miraculous bond and timeless codependance between men and women in the name of individual liberty may be America's psychological and spiritual undoing.

I'd love to chat more, but this little girl needs and deserves all this old guy has to give. Since I don't use whips or Viagra, I have to rely on lots of time and love ... and torque and thrust. Whoever said Mexico is a country without much consumer technology was a damn fool. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go consume her technology right now. May the force be with me and all of you hopeless romantics who refuse to settle for less than red hot true love.