Fitness Secrets of a Sexy Beast

The 25-year-old I was kissing last year finally asked me my exact age. I spit out the raw number. She gave me a grossed-out "You're my grandpa with benefits?" look then ended our relationship. The 23-year-old bachata dancer before her paused a lifestyle of steamy lesbian sex to make me her first boyfriend. The 20-year-old corn goddess I'm dating now calmed my fears that our blissfully perverted love might result in me leaving her widowed with a gaggle of children. She responded unflinchingly, "You'd better, because they'll be all I have to remember my jaguar by!" I'm embarrassingly satisfied with my fit and sexy life.

How do I remain fit and cocky without any viagra, gym membership, or state-of-the-art yoga pants? It's partly undeserved blessing. (While Darwin's travels postulated survival of the fittest, mine have only suggested survival of the damn lucky.) Yet, it's also natural fitness secrets that I've discovered and implemented in my life. This new year series will reveal the mystical jedi power of your sexy beast author. You're welcome! If you don't want your partner hungering for you like a wild dog for a steak, don't bother reading. However, if you'd prefer to make your airplane seatmate hot and bothered by your irresistible aura not your uncontainable girth, read on. We begin our primal fitness quest with the ancient Maya.

The Maya creation story, like the biblical book of Genesis, portrays the origins of life on earth in a vast primordial sea. The Wall Street Journal recently reported a growing scientific consensus that abundant liquid water makes our planet the most life-hospitable place in the known universe. A master plan designed by a Creator now seems more likely than spaceships designed by aliens.

Long before the Maya based their creation epic on a vast ocean, they based their culture on the vast wisdom of the Olmecs. The Olmecs founded the first city in the Americas on the banks of a mighty river. The relics of this settlement include a sculpture of a jaguar having sex with a corn goddess. The sensual power and primal fertility of the artwork is astonishing. It testifies how sacred our animal bodies were intended to be, before artificial processed food and sedentary modern lives partly corrupted our flesh. (You can read more on this iconic statue, which I visited at the home of archaeologist Ann Cyphers, in my book Fresh Wind & Strange Fire: One Man’s Adventures in Primal Mexico.)

Restoring harmony with our primal spiritual nature begins with water. When I am on the road without any access to good fitness equipment, you will often find me buying two 1.5-liter bottles of water. First, the two bottles are the minimum amount I drink every day - half a bottle before breakfast, half a bottle before lunch, half a bottle before dinner, and half a bottle when thirsty. Water purifies the body of toxins and fats then cools and cleans the body when we sweat. Sweat is better for healthy skin than pore-blocking cosmetics we pay for. 

Second, I use the bottles of water like dumbells for resistance training. Of course, I prefer to work out with heavier elements like stone or iron, but perfect form along with maximum intensity can produce impressive results with even light weights. (I've occasionally used rocks for doing exercise. The only things I refuse to use are excuses.) The spiritual and physical journey begins with water. Drink it; lift it; love it. Stay tuned for more secrets.