Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Muslim Gone Bad Attacks Canada's Capital

Since representatives of the bad apple wing of Islamic faith (those who think others shouldn't be allowed to choose their own spirituality or speak their own convictions without threat of death) have attacked Canada's capital today, I am here reposting one of our most popular and profound articles. Just as the world had to deal with Hitler's diabolical twist on Christianity, Islam has a cancerous growth within it that cannot be ignored. The best response would be for global Muslims to repudiate and annihilate these deadly spreading diseased cells. If they can't or won't, others will have to step up. I encourage my Muslim friends to be the most devout about ridding the world of demented versions of Islam. It's better when you do as much as possible to clean up your own house. However, one way or another, these losers who refuse to respect the rights of others are gonna have to be taken out. Here's a repost of "Lyn Fuchs Named Terrorist Suspect."

We regret to inform our readers that author Lyn Fuchs should now be viewed as a potential terrorist threat. Sources reveal he once attended a camp held at a remote location by religious fundamentalists, where training was given in making incendiary devices from ordinary sticks and stones. Former recruits to these camps report being sent on "scouting missions" and being indoctrinated to always "be prepared." Female "scouts" were often separated from male "scouts" and pressured by peers to wear scarves, though there is some disagreement on whether the holy "Scouting Handbook" actually requires this.

Lyn may have been radicalized at an even earlier age. School playmates recall him standing in the sandbox issuing a homicidal threat with intolerant racist overtones against an American cultural icon: "Someday, I'd like to whack that effeminate purple dinosaur!" A timeline reconstructed by P.A.N.I.C. (People Against Nonconformists, Islamists and Communists) shows Lyn involved in unAmerican activities, like eating corndogs with Chinese Duck Sauce rather than Heinz Mustard or Ketchup, by the time he graduated from university.

Federal officials who do not wish to be named, because they already have names, characterize Lyn as a loner and misfit unable to meld with societal norms no matter how hard he tries. As evidence, they point to remarks he made on a comment card after some court-mandated sensitivity training: "This has been a completely positive experience for me. The coffee was perfectly roasted with just a hint of chicory and the facilitator had the most gorgeous rack I've ever seen, which I totally respect both for its supple firmness and its absolute irrelevance in a professional workplace environment."

Terrorism consultants with lucrative government contracts suggest such comments represent a conflicted and tormented mind. As one stated in a 3000-page report with impressive full-color charts costing millions of government dollars, "Sometimes a hooter reference is just a hooter reference, but other times it isn't!" In Appendix DD of the same report (which media types only read because they thought DD was a hooter reference), Lyn's family tree is laid out in detail.

Lyn's mother Ruth Franklin (now deceased and unresponsive to repeated journalistic inquiries) is descended from a man named Benjamin, whose name derives from Bin Amin, according to some linguists. This family patriarch made repeated overseas trips to known hotbeds of anti-American sentiment such as France. He also based his Poor Richard's Almanack partly on lunar cycles like the Muslim calendar and promoted an "early to bed, early to rise" lifestyle common to religious fundamentalists and brainwashing cultists. Experts say many terrorist money transactions use currency bills with "Bin Amin Franklin's" portrait all over them.

The publisher of Lyn's new book, Fresh Wind & Strange Fire, claims it contains no explicit references to jihad. However, counter-terrorism gurus, specialists and life-coaches are divided on whether this proves there is a jihadist subtext. CNN's Anderson Cooper, whose grotesque level of whiteness renders him far above terrorist suspicion, has come to Lyn's defense, arguing that nobody would bother to put a jihadist subtext in a book with a title so clearly referring to nuclear bombs and incendiary explosives.

Lyn's attorney makes a different argument. At a press conference, he demanded that satanic messages heard since the 1970s on Led Zepplin albums when played backwards must be dealt with before addressing any jihadist threats that may or may not exist between the lines of his client's "proprietary artistic production." The lawyer insisted on this "in the interests of justice, fairness, consistency and stalling for time."

Last week, an FBI spokesman said: "Suspect Lyn Fuchs has often boasted to undercover female agents about having a large explosive device in his pants, plus we have sworn statements from numerous women who report meeting with him at various locations to accept delivery of what they consistently refer to as a weapon of mass satisfaction."

President Obama, Former President Bush, Pope Francisco and the ghost of Reverend Billy Graham came together yesterday to issue a joint declaration. We quote: "It is the duty of every American and every person whose moral superiority could result next time around in being reincarnated as an American to buy a copy of Lyn's new book and ascertain for themselves whether he is guilty or extremely guilty. Vice President Joe Biden added, "Like da good folks sez back home, when you ascertain, yo ass is certain to knows da truf and da truf will set ya'll free from da terrorists, da plantation owners and doz nasty-ass conservatives!"

Lyn Fuchs himself issued this release: "We mock media coverage of terrorism because it's ridiculous; we mourn victims of terrorism because they matter; we mostly ignore practitioners of terrorism because they are not amusing, inspiring or intimidating, merely deranged homicidal losers. You jihadists bore me, you hurt children and you give God a bad name. You make it hard for god-fearing Muslims to share their faith and for god-fearing non-Muslims to respectfully consider Islam. You are the enemy of Islam. You are the mother of all idiots. You are worse than the Hollywood degenerates who produce worthless degrading trash that shames America in the eyes of ethical people around the globe. Motorcycles and bacon are much more dangerous than you'll ever be and those things don't scare me at all. Knock it off. Get a life and/or go screw yourselves!"

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Smooth Getaway Postcard From Shenandoah Valley

Virginia’s Shenandoah Valley is not merely noted for lovely scenery, though its position between the Blue Ridge and the Allegheny Mountains certainly provides beautiful landscapes. The area also played an important role in the history of the United States, from its time as a British colony through its tragic Civil War and beyond.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Why I Have Rights Most People Don't

Just received my new U.S. passport. This document allows me to travel faster, cheaper, more easily and to more destinations than most people can. An ugly truth but still the truth. Why am I more entitled to access the world than billions of other folks. I will now explain exactly why.

The founders of my country were not mega religious. Yet, they acknowledged the existence of heavenly management and the existence of divinely given rights that governments cannot take away without showing contempt for both the masses and the Creator.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Cantinflas Can't Even Entertain Us

Cantinflas is one of those English and Spanish films that Latinos in The United States are supposed to make their kids watch so they can appreciate their cultural roots. Yet, culture worth celebrating and preserving doesn't have to be forcefed. This movie is as barely Latino as it is proudly Latino - like Eva Longoria. The director apparently wanted to use every possible device to imply that Mexican comedian Cantinflas was the funniest guy ever, except one: showing Cantinflas actually being funny.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Primal Wilderness Rambling From The Adirondacks

When you say “New York,” people generally think of the Statue of Liberty, Manhattan skyscrapers or endless entertainment in “the city that never sleeps.” Yet, there’s more to New York than the “Big Apple.” A different type of adventure awaits in the Adirondack Mountains of the Empire State.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Music is the Universal Language

In my experience, music is the universal language, because it communicates passionate sentiment directly to the heart with or without comprehension of the lyrics. Plato wrote that music is a powerful irrational force capable of almost anything, because it commands the listener to dance with or without a reason to do so. Perhaps the most powerful music is that which reflects love and loss, which are perhaps the most beautiful and painful of all experiences.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Public Drunkenness As Performance Art

We're not breaking the law, just taking a break from the law.
My students may look a bit like criminals, but they're actually just really friendly drunks. That is me hiding in the back. Right before this photo, I was asking two Mexican cops whether there was any problem with us getting shitfaced in a vacant lot next to the highway from the university. Noone was asking if it was legal. What the bloated self-important polĂ­ticos decide for the rest of us in a galaxy far far away rarely comes up in Mexican conversation.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Tasteless Ethnic and Gender Humor

During this photo, I was hoping Victoria was grabbing my butt not Harold.
The mind is the most attractive part of an elegant woman, but damn sure not the only part. It is ironic that the internet can reduce one's attention span to where a book by a great mind becomes unreadable and also rivet the attention to where music, candles and massaging an extraordinary woman seems old school. I must admit that I find the minds of great authors and the smiles of great women more captivating than online blogs or video games. This may make me a Luddite. I only know that I like nature and people more than gadgets and gizmos, and I'm generally a happy guy.