Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Primate Professor Returns to the Jungle

After a year of wilderness homesteading on my Mexican desert ranch and a month of wild pollenating on my Mexican desert flower, I have planted my white gringo ass on the jungle beaches of Huatulco, Oaxaca. Another chapter in my life. The rainforest-encircled Universidad del Mar has invited this primitive American ape to thump his chest and swing on a tire in a professor's office. I must now write more books too.

Instead of bemoaning the uncivilized nature of my scribblings, as sensitivity police do, an enlightened university understands that anytime a savage beast stops scratching himself long enough to attempt written communication is a moment for academic celebration. People who don't buy my books are really animal haters. Women who find my rudementary gestures and crude mating overtures to be cute rather than disgusting are true animal lovers.

Such compassion for the lower life forms can often generate enough good karma to let a girl acheive multiple nirvanas in one night. So, readers should expect my forthcoming dispatches to have a beach or rainforest flavor - except when I cannot remember where the hell I am, in which case they will probably have a pineapple, coconut, and rum flavor. Sitting in a paradise, gawking at a pair of breasts, working on a paragraph: I'm not goofing off; this is actually my job.

Female readers visiting Mexico are urged to book a night at my seaside B & B (bed and breastfest). Our generous package includes a massage, a bottle of cheap wine, a bouquet of flowery conversation, an ancient fertility ritual, and a shamanistic/ showeristic cleansing. (Ritual and cleansing can be repeated hourly in Kama Sutra variations for the truly spiritual. Guests who tell friends just how generous our package is receive all hospitality services free of charge.

It wouldn't be such a lonely planet, if more guidebooks offered B & B with R & R plus T & A like our fine establishment does. Backpackers will find us to be a great hostel but a bit hostile if they refuse to accept a double-strength shamanic cleansing on arrival. Namaste but no more stay! We are proud to offer a smoke and stink free environment plus a resident traditional healer with a nearly-guaranteed cure for hot lesbians. Ask about our "technically bisexual" discount!

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

50 Shades of Gringo Sexual Dysfunction

My dangerously sexy Mexican woman and I performed our Valentine's Day duty by attempting to sit thru the "romantic movie" deemed "must see" by the global culture arbitrators of New York. What a joke! About half way thru the S & M feel good hit of the season 50 Shades of Grey, we looked at each other and laughingly exclaimed, "Pobre gringos!" Our pity for white folks stemmed from the naked fact that the allegedly hot sex in this chic flic is about as smoldering as the sex she and I have when she's sick and I'm tired.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Bad-ass Moses and his Kick-ass God

Just saw the Ridley Scott and Christian Bale Moses epic that will be spreading around the globe this week. Worth seeing for thrills and for ideas. While Hollywood has distaste for Mel Gibson's ethnic bitterness, they still dig his crowd-pleasing formulas. This film often recalls the Celtic swordplay of Braveheart, the slavery shock of Apocalypto, and the grim mysticism of Passion of the Christ. Melodramatic but way more fun than church - even if they were to allow popcorn and partial nudity at church. (Yes, I've suggested it, but nooooo!)

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Publisher Scores Babe and Scorns Blog

Recently an intelligent, spiritual and smokin' hot girl offered me her heart and various other fascinating parts of her anatomy. Like Moses, I took off my shoes because I stood nearly trembling on holy ground. Unlike Moses, I removed other articles of clothing before smiting the "Red Sea" with my staff.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Pedophilia, Public Education, and Other Crimes

While Saint Louis police, Ferguson residents, and media hacks were more interested in promoting their agendas than getting at the truth, author Rick Skwiot was polishing a crime novel that accurately portrays the harsh realities of governmental and educational corruption in Saint Louis slums. I just finished my review copy of Fail. This is the thinking man's Grisham, which is to say: it's the book John Grisham would write if he were more interested in fine literature than raking in money and empathizing with pedophiles.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Muslim Gone Bad Attacks Canada's Capital

Since representatives of the bad apple wing of Islamic faith (those who think others shouldn't be allowed to choose their own spirituality or speak their own convictions without threat of death) have attacked Canada's capital today, I am here reposting one of our most popular and profound articles. Just as the world had to deal with Hitler's diabolical twist on Christianity, Islam has a cancerous growth within it that cannot be ignored. The best response would be for global Muslims to repudiate and annihilate these deadly spreading diseased cells. If they can't or won't, others will have to step up. I encourage my Muslim friends to be the most devout about ridding the world of demented versions of Islam. It's better when you do as much as possible to clean up your own house. However, one way or another, these losers who refuse to respect the rights of others are gonna have to be taken out. Here's a repost of "Lyn Fuchs Named Terrorist Suspect."

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Smooth Getaway Postcard From Shenandoah Valley

Virginia’s Shenandoah Valley is not merely noted for lovely scenery, though its position between the Blue Ridge and the Allegheny Mountains certainly provides beautiful landscapes. The area also played an important role in the history of the United States, from its time as a British colony through its tragic Civil War and beyond.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Why I Have Rights Most People Don't

Just received my new U.S. passport. This document allows me to travel faster, cheaper, more easily and to more destinations than most people can. An ugly truth but still the truth. Why am I more entitled to access the world than billions of other folks. I will now explain exactly why.

The founders of my country were not mega religious. Yet, they acknowledged the existence of heavenly management and the existence of divinely given rights that governments cannot take away without showing contempt for both the masses and the Creator.