Friday, August 22, 2014

Tasteless Ethnic and Gender Humor

During this photo, I was hoping Victoria was grabbing my butt not Harold.
The mind is the most attractive part of an elegant woman, but damn sure not the only part. It is ironic that the internet can reduce one's attention span to where a book by a great mind becomes unreadable and also rivet the attention to where music, candles and massaging an extraordinary woman seems old school. I must admit that I find the minds of great authors and the smiles of great women more captivating than online blogs or video games. This may make me a Luddite. I only know that I like nature and people more than gadgets and gizmos, and I'm generally a happy guy.

At the recent Garrison & Garrison bookstore party, I only bought one cool book, but I got to hang out with the five cool people shown in the above photograph. Standing next to me is travel writer Mittie Roger who will soon be embarking for Patagonia with her personal paparazzi Sean Reagan in a jeep. Next to her is salsa dancer Victoria Tolonen who has shaken her money-maker and had wild bisexual adventures around the globe. (Ladies: girl on girl action puts a good man out of work and is thus bad for the economy. Nor should you impregnate yourselves with turkey basters. Leave that to the professionals. We have the technology and we're here to serve.)

The token black out front is just a puppet and spokesman for the man.
Next to her is a large black man, but Harold James is a poet not a thug, so don't be frightened. If you're a Saint Louis policeman, don't shoot, even though Harold was recently seen loitering around the area where I was doing some criminally-bad dancing. (My friend and fellow drunk Rick Skwiot just finished a crime novel about the Saint Louis police called Fail, which I will be reviewing here soon.) Finally, we have the helpful staff of Garrison & Garrison bookstore with Michelle Garrison looking hot as usual and offering two reasons that men should drop by the store and pretend to be interested in books.

So, literary events are about people not ink and paper. While my sword is far mightier than my pen (don't tell the Saint Louis police that I'm actually black from the waist down), the lovely ladies here inspire both. A big thanks to my literary buds in San Miguel for giving me a reason to keep writing spectacular books that make me almost enough money to eat at a restaurant in San Miguel. Another day, another peso.

Are Japanese people born with cameras or is this a learned behavior?
Disclaimer: Sacred Ground Magazine strives to be an equal opportunity offender. We sincerely apologize that the jokes in this post are exclusively directed at female and black people. We have made repeated efforts to include our Arab friends in these photo-ops, so we can poke fun at them, but they refuse to come to San Miguel, because they don't drink and can't dirty dance, plus some are offended that we once compared polygamy to a menage a trois, which they consider to be the invention of degenerate Frenchmen who think pork, cigarettes, and hookers are all part of a complete breakfast.

In the future, we commit to include fat people, skinny people, left-handed people, Japanese people without cameras, Indian people who don't drive taxis, Polish people who aren't drunks, Mexicans who arrive early for work with a can-do attitude, and many other kinds of people in our derision. Hopefully, no one is now offended. We beg the sensitivity police not to shoot, as we are armed only with a keyboard, which we will now slowly back away from.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Robin Williams Stamps His Own Passport

Robin Williams starred in what is likely the most life-affirming movie ever made, Dead Poet's Society, but he ended his own life this week, echoing the despair of a suicidal actor he wept for in that film. What can we learn from this? Williams was one of the world's most gifted, sensitive and intelligent artists, yet he wasn't very happy. What does that mean for the rest of us? In Awakenings, Good Morning Vietnam and What Dreams May Come, Williams personified lust for life. In his last day, he devoted his sharp mind and manic energy primarily to stopping his own heartbeat. What do we make of all this?

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The Best Person I've Ever Known

The greatest person I've ever known, Maribel Diaz, died this week. Her traditional Mexican funeral was a tutorial on what matters in life. When I arrived to see her casket in the primitive garage of a crumbling house in a poor neighborhood, I wasn't disturbed at all. She was a global traveler who worked at an aristocratic country club. Yet, she preferred to hang out in the barrio with her family and loved ones. Like Jesus, she was royalty (of character not bloodline) riding on a donkey. I lay a palm branch at her feet.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Road Babe Mittie Roger Fills Out

Not only will I be reading my work this Friday at the Garrison & Garrison Books anniversary party, but Mittie Roger (who pioneered the Road Babe Dispatches column in this magazine) truly fills out the program with a reading from her new book. Oh, you thought I'd say she really fills out a dress. No, this is a high-class literary publication.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Join The San Miguel Bookstore Fiesta

This is a bimbo-friendly bookstore with millions of shorter words.
In a selfless humanitarian effort to combat illiteracy, I'll be reading from my canonical works at the anniversary celebration of Garrison & Garrison bookstore in San Miguel on August 1st. Thus, all you supermodels holding a book upside down with a confused but photogenic expression need not panic. I'm here to serve, because that's just the kind of guy I am.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

The New World Children's Crusade

With our typical condescension, we moderns ponder how barbaric medievals sent hordes of children to struggle and die in the crusade for a foothold on the promised land. No more need to wonder. With thousands of Central American kids being held in U.S. border detention centers, after being robbed, raped, or shaken down by their Mexican "brothers", we only need to figure out how we did it. Yet, most folks are too busy. So, Sacred Ground Magazine will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth in one easy-to-read post. You're welcome!

Sunday, July 6, 2014

How to Find Breathtaking Orgasmic Romance

Come on baby light my fire!
The most shockingly romantic moment I remember took place on the shore of Lake Atitlan in Guatemala. Now brace yourself for this one. I was sitting down in a boat preparing to shove off from the dock, when an unforgettable woman floated across the gangplanks like a breeze, simultaneously apologizing for her tardiness and gracing us with her presence merely by her body language. That's when it happened. On a nearby pier, a dirty barefoot indigenous fisherman watched the woman in astonishment then cried out in spontaneous desperation, "Princess, I don't know you and I have nothing to offer you, but give me one chance and I will work for you all my life!"

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Twisted Vagabondage Tale From Vancouver Island

As a paying contributor to The United Negroe College Fund, for sage reasons of philanthropy as well as tax evasion, I was surprised to find absolutely no black people in the maritime city of Vancouver Canada—only Commonwealthy Europeans and Asians plus a few Native Canadian Kwakwaka’wakw redskins. Still, Vancouver is indeed an international city on par with other slightly vanilla claimants like Portland or Seattle, with many fabulous bistros to recommend it, including some proudly locavore and part of the so-called Slow Food movement. Meaning: they are too lazy to import.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

A Successful Author's Day

Ernest Hemingway looked at the world
with feeling but without sentimentality.
When I do public readings or presentations, people often ask, "How does a professional writer spend a typical day?" I usually respond, "How in the hell would I know that?" Audience members sometimes follow-up, "When will you start being professional?" I reply, "Obviously, when I have given up all hope of being great." Still, I do know how this author spends most days and that may give some aspiring writers a glimpse at a path to success they can emulate or a road to perdition they can avoid. Here is my normal daily routine.