Sunday, July 27, 2014

Road Babe Mittie Roger Fills Out

Not only will I be reading my work this Friday at the Garrison & Garrison Books anniversary party, but Mittie Roger (who pioneered the Road Babe Dispatches column in this magazine) truly fills out the program with a reading from her new book. Oh, you thought I'd say she really fills out a dress. No, this is a high-class literary publication.

On the other hand, what's as classy as breasts? I guess there's classical guitar (shaped just like a woman's curves) and chocolate truffles (topped with coffee beans resembling nipples) and French cheese (discovered by French hicks fondling cow udders). Actually, high culture pretty much comes down to books and breasts, the latter of which still enjoy widespread popularity. So, come on out to show your appreciation for Mittie's fine set - of literary compositions I mean.

Furthermore, nothing complements a great rack like copies of Lyn and Mittie's books, which will be available for you to purchase and fill out said bookrack with. I know: you're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition, but those who wanna see a truly exquisite end should check out Mittie's. I won't go into detail about it, but let's just say all her elegant lines converge in a well-rounded and appealing way. (Good authors try to make their storylines do that.) In summary, guys who don't like Mittie's photos should come out of the closet and folks who like books should come out to Garrison & Garrison in San Miguel on Friday at 5:00 pm. See you there (if I'm not busy gawking at something else).

Legal disclaimer: the photos here are all the exclusive property of photographer Sean Reagan, who is the exclusive property of Mittie Roger. I don't have the right to post them without his permission, but neither does Sean have the right to fritter away his artistic gifts by photographing Mittie all day - like that's a real job. I could make a camera out of a shoebox then give it to my dog and he could take a good-looking picture of Mittie. Challenge yourself dude! Make the comb-over-bald-spot gringos cruising San Miguel with gold chains bouncing on their chest rugs look good. Now, that would be art! Enjoy Mittie's site: mittieroger.com.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Join The San Miguel Bookstore Fiesta

This is a bimbo-friendly bookstore with millions of shorter words.
In a selfless humanitarian effort to combat illiteracy, I'll be reading from my canonical works at the anniversary celebration of Garrison & Garrison bookstore in San Miguel on August 1st. Thus, all you supermodels holding a book upside down with a confused but photogenic expression need not panic. I'm here to serve, because that's just the kind of guy I am.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

The New World Children's Crusade

With our typical condescension, we moderns ponder how barbaric medievals sent hordes of children to struggle and die in the crusade for a foothold on the promised land. No more need to wonder. With thousands of Central American kids being held in U.S. border detention centers, after being robbed, raped, or shaken down by their Mexican "brothers", we only need to figure out how we did it. Yet, most folks are too busy. So, Sacred Ground Magazine will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth in one easy-to-read post. You're welcome!

Sunday, July 6, 2014

How to Find Breathtaking Orgasmic Romance

Come on baby light my fire!
The most shockingly romantic moment I remember took place on the shore of Lake Atitlan in Guatemala. Now brace yourself for this one. I was sitting down in a boat preparing to shove off from the dock, when an unforgettable woman floated across the gangplanks like a breeze, simultaneously apologizing for her tardiness and gracing us with her presence merely by her body language. That's when it happened. On a nearby pier, a dirty barefoot indigenous fisherman watched the woman in astonishment then cried out in spontaneous desperation, "Princess, I don't know you and I have nothing to offer you, but give me one chance and I will work for you all my life!"

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Twisted Vagabondage Tale From Vancouver Island

As a paying contributor to The United Negroe College Fund, for sage reasons of philanthropy as well as tax evasion, I was surprised to find absolutely no black people in the maritime city of Vancouver Canada—only Commonwealthy Europeans and Asians plus a few Native Canadian Kwakwaka’wakw redskins. Still, Vancouver is indeed an international city on par with other slightly vanilla claimants like Portland or Seattle, with many fabulous bistros to recommend it, including some proudly locavore and part of the so-called Slow Food movement. Meaning: they are too lazy to import.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

A Successful Author's Day

Ernest Hemingway looked at the world
with feeling but without sentimentality.
When I do public readings or presentations, people often ask, "How does a professional writer spend a typical day?" I usually respond, "How in the hell would I know that?" Audience members sometimes follow-up, "When will you start being professional?" I reply, "Obviously, when I have given up all hope of being great." Still, I do know how this author spends most days and that may give some aspiring writers a glimpse at a path to success they can emulate or a road to perdition they can avoid. Here is my normal daily routine.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Attack of the Amazon Bully

Bullies often become crybabies. Such is the case with the traditional publishing syndicates now bawling about being pushed around by an Amazon that has taken up residence on their former turf. Bullies are not accustomed to picking on someone their own size. So when confronted by a full-grown formidable opponent, they often run to their mommies or their sympathetic friends in antique media like David Streitfeld and Melissa Eddy at the New York Times.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Nebraska: An Epic and Ludicrous Journey

What does an old man do when his life offers substantial evidence he might be a loser and the clock is running out on his mental lucidity? Give up? Never! When the going gets tough, the tough get going ... to Nebraska ... on foot ... to claim the loot that a Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes mailer says he may have won. Is his quest comical, futile, and doomed? Absolutely. Yet, not much more so than the herculean efforts that most men put into fighting their invincible mortality. Winning the fight is out of the question. Still, there are some bonus character points for refusing to lay down on the mat and going down swinging.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Smooth Getaway Postcard From Manilla

Over the past three decades, economic and political misfortunes coupled with natural calamities have kept the Philippines from taking a well-deserved place among the world’s most popular destinations. Pity, when these 7000 green islands contain some of the planet's best scenery.