Thursday, March 21, 2019

Meet the World's Sexiest English Professors

We don't know how it happened, but somehow Papaloapan University assembled the world's sexiest team of English professors. Who wouldn't wanna spend a hot steamy afternoon in the jungle conjugating with one of these wild animals? The not-yet-extinct dinosaur on the right is travel book writer Lyn Fuchs. Next to him is travel photographer Sean Reagan. Beside him is travel website author Mittie Roger. Then comes medical doctor Barbara Progress and her investment broker Chiori Sylvester. These sexy beasts are already paired off for this season's mating rituals, so let's focus on the newest ripest fruit in the garden.

This year, Papaloapan University proudly welcomed Morgan Blair and Barbara Rogers to our communication department. Morgan is a dance master from British Columbia. Barbara is a yoga master from American Oregon. Brain damaged machismos may think we only hired them for their gorgeous smiles. They'd be wrong. Wrapped inside the lovely packaging shown in these photos are sharp minds, caring hearts, and pure spirits.

Emotionally traumatized feminists may think I shouldn't be commenting on people as objects of beauty. They'd be wrong too. All humans are eternal spirits but also physical objects of visual elegance. Of course, you shouldn't treat any woman like she's just a piece of ... er ... um ... furniture. Still, when my woman rides behind me on my motorcycle, she's one of the world's most comfy sofas. Don't even get me started on her amazing decorative pillows. Plus she thinks I'm the world's best jar opener, but she doesn't view me only as a kitchen tool. I'm a handy tool in other rooms too, if you know what I'm sayin'. Of course, many folks think I'm just generally a tool - and that is truly objectifying and disrespectful and mean and barely true.

Here at Papaloapan University, professors comprehend the deepest truths about life, but those who get their information from the internet can only see reality in two dimensions, so we give you eye candy photos, instead of the superior intellectual education you would get at our university. Sure you could go to Harvard, but anyone who is 1/1024 parts Cherokee can do that. Only the few, the proud, the battle hardened from fighting off men like flies can survive the brutal punishment of the Oaxacan rainforest and my lame jokes.

If you wanna virtue signal how much you respect women as more than pretty shiny objects, you should apply to join our fun cool team of professors and actually talk with Morgan and Barbara, instead of just gawking at their photos or having them enlarged and sewn into snuggly pillows. You might be asking if we only hire beautiful people. Well up to this point, all our staff are frighteningly good looking. However, we're launching a diversity campaign to give preference in the next hiring to ugly people. Sadly, that means I can't hire anyone, because I'm so spiritual I don't see anyone as ugly. If you don't believe me, just ask anyone - then keep asking until you find someone who will agree how spiritual I am. I'm so spiritual that when I teach nursing classes packed with hot Latinas, I only see disembodied spirits in tight-fitting white uniforms. If you think my humor is totally inappropriate, you should get your do-gooder tush down here to the rainforest, so you can help students do gooder with their English and help me do gooder as an enlightened person like yourself.  If you want to join our gorgeous team, send your resume to Hurry - we may even need to replace Morgan and Barbara after they read this post.

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

How Canada Bans Books

Socialist Book Burning
When the state gains the power to outlaw certain forms of expression as “hate speech” — a rising demand in some corners of America these days — the result is rarely a decrease in hate but always expanded power for grotesque new forms of bureaucratic busybodying.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Welcome Sean Reagan & Mittie Roger!

We´re happy to announce that travel journalists Sean Reagan and Mittie Roger are joining our staff as writers-in-residence. Thrilled actually. When they aren't driving their Land Rover from Canada to Argentina, Sean and Mittie normally park at San Miguel de Allende in Guanajuato, but they'll now have a parking space here at the University of Papaloapan in Oaxaca between global wanderings.

Friday, January 12, 2018

Make This Your Best Year Ever

There are two primary factors that produce happiness. Surprisingly, they don't include wine, beer, coffee, chocolate, travel, exercise, shopping, sex, or sunshine, despite the pleasure rush such things can stimulate. This brief post will reveal the happiness prescription. Readers who choose to swallow these profound pills rather than merely looking for superficial thrills can make 2018 their best year ever.

Monday, December 18, 2017

Dreaming Of A Brown Christmas

You may remember Bono of U2 singing a catchy Christmas tune with some condescending lyrics: "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas. Do they even know that it's Christmastime at all? Feed the world. Let them know it's Christmastime." How profound! You see, brown equatorial folks cannot really grasp that it's Christmas, unless northern white folks send them a sleighload of gifts, because they don't have snow, plus their fridges aren't overstuffed with processed carbs or expiring produce like American fridges. Poor brownies!

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

My Glorious Sissy-Unapproved Death Wish

Riding my brand new motorcycle in the rain without a helmet down the twisting jungle road that leads to my university is clearly life threatening, but less so than your regular assisted suicide that your regular Euro-sissy regularly insists you have a right to. So, I'm clearly within my rights. As I speed past palm trees and sugar plantations, I thank God that Mexico is the kind of place that offers fewer safety helmets but more wind in your hair. My beloved mother is dead. I sure as hell don't want any politico presuming to take her place, whether offering the ruler to spank or the breast to suck.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Horny Harvey and Steamy Beastiality

My first taste of steamy hot beastiality took place at the home of archaeologist Ann Cyphers on the very site where humans first tasted steamy hot chocolate. I probably need to explain that statement. Near Texistepec, Veracruz, Mexico lie the ruins of the first city in the Americas, where Olmec shamanic leaders drank cocoa then smashed their cups to dedicate the settlement. That party made history.

Friday, October 27, 2017

Wanted: University Teachers and Aspiring Authors

My university in Oaxaca, Mexico is seeking to expand its fine communication department by hiring two new instructors for February of 2018. This is one of the most secure and rewarding teaching opportunities in all Latin America. The main responsiblity is equipping warm, funny, and humble students with English communication skills during three one-hour classes each weekday. Our instructors are allowed to use the rest of their workday authoring travel stories and magazine articles. Teachers are assisted in getting their work published and are provided an office on our lovely campus to inspire their maximum creativity.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Stephen King Gets IT Right

The new film version of Stephen King's novel It captivates viewers with adorable children and horrible apparitions, but the real demons that torment kids are clearly identified, despite the cryptic title. The spawn from hell are broken dysfunctional families (and they are legion). Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy put it thus: "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."