We regret to inform our readers that author Lyn Fuchs should now be viewed as a potential terrorist threat. Sources reveal he once attended a camp held at a remote location by religious fundamentalists, where training was given in making incendiary devices from ordinary sticks and stones. Former recruits to these camps report being sent on "scouting missions" and being indoctrinated to always "be prepared." Female "scouts" were often separated from male "scouts" and pressured by peers to wear scarves, though there is some disagreement on whether the holy "Scouting Handbook" actually requires this.
Lyn may have been radicalized at an even earlier age. School playmates recall him standing in the sandbox issuing a homicidal threat with intolerant racist overtones against an American cultural icon: "Someday, I'd like to whack that effeminate purple dinosaur!" A timeline reconstructed by P.A.N.I.C. (People Against Nonconformists, Islamists and Communists) shows Lyn involved in unAmerican activities, like eating corndogs with Chinese Duck Sauce rather than Heinz Mustard or Ketchup, by the time he graduated from university.
Federal officials who do not wish to be named, because they already have names, characterize Lyn as a loner and misfit unable to meld with societal norms no matter how hard he tries. As evidence, they point to remarks he made on a comment card after some court-mandated sensitivity training: "This has been a completely positive experience for me. The coffee was perfectly roasted with just a hint of chicory and the facilitator had the most gorgeous rack I've ever seen, which I totally respect both for its supple firmness and its absolute irrelevance in a professional workplace environment."
Terrorism consultants with lucrative government contracts suggest such comments represent a conflicted and tormented mind. As one stated in a 3000-page report with impressive full-color charts costing millions of government dollars, "Sometimes a hooter reference is just a hooter reference, but other times it isn't!" In Appendix DD of the same report (which media types only read because they thought DD was a hooter reference), Lyn's family tree is laid out in detail.
Lyn's mother Ruth Franklin (now deceased and unresponsive to repeated journalistic inquiries) is descended from a man named Benjamin, whose name derives from Bin Amin, according to some linguists. This family patriarch made repeated overseas trips to known hotbeds of anti-American sentiment such as France. He also based his Poor Richard's Almanack partly on lunar cycles like the Muslim calendar and promoted an "early to bed, early to rise" lifestyle common to religious fundamentalists and brainwashing cultists. Experts say many terrorist money transactions use currency bills with "Bin Amin Franklin's" portrait all over them.
The publisher of Lyn's new book, Fresh Wind & Strange Fire, claims it contains no explicit references to jihad. However, counter-terrorism gurus, specialists and life-coaches are divided on whether this proves there is a jihadist subtext. CNN's Anderson Cooper, whose grotesque level of whiteness renders him far above terrorist suspicion, has come to Lyn's defense, arguing that nobody would bother to put a jihadist subtext in a book with a title so clearly referring to nuclear bombs and incendiary explosives.
Lyn's attorney makes a different argument. At a press conference, he demanded that satanic messages heard since the 1970s on Led Zepplin albums when played backwards must be dealt with before addressing any jihadist threats that may or may not exist between the lines of his client's "proprietary artistic production." The lawyer insisted on this "in the interests of justice, fairness, consistency and stalling for time."
Last week, an FBI spokesman said: "Suspect Lyn Fuchs has often boasted to undercover female agents about having a large explosive device in his pants, plus we have sworn statements from numerous women who report meeting with him at various locations to accept delivery of what they consistently refer to as a weapon of mass satisfaction."
President Obama, Former President Bush, Pope Francisco and the ghost of Reverend Billy Graham came together yesterday to issue a joint declaration. We quote: "It is the duty of every American and every person whose moral superiority could result next time around in being reincarnated as an American to buy a copy of Lyn's new book and ascertain for themselves whether he is guilty or extremely guilty. Vice President Joe Biden added, "Like da good folks sez back home, when you ascertain, yo ass is certain to knows da truf and da truf will set ya'll free from da terrorists, da plantation owners and doz nasty-ass conservatives!"