Wednesday, August 10, 2011
I'm Not Wearing Any Underwear Today!
For those of you in hypersensitivityland, let me clarify. Jack's not my animal companion. He's not my same sex partner. He's my dog. Why must he fill this subordinate role, despite obvious moral superiority to his master? That's darwinistic kindergarden. I have tool-grasping thumbs and the power to make fire (which I swear to law enforcement officials I almost never use). However, let me remind those of you now sobbing at life's cruel indifference to Jack's plight that I'm not just a primalist but a deist. I believe that a merciful creator has rewarded Jack for his loyalty and goodness by giving him the capacity to lick himself. He's not handicapped; he's differently enabled. Most of the men I know would give up their thumbs for this ability. Most of the men I know would rarely need their "tool"-grasping thumbs, if they had this ability.
So, while you'll never see me bending down behind Jack in a park to pick up his poop (lest alien scouts think humans are dog lackies and refuse to negotiate the survival of the planet with such underlings), you will see Jack bouncing around the spacious grassy yard I provide him, woofing the healthy but ungourmet food I give him, and sitting with me on my porch under the stars at night, snuggling and telling each other how swell we are. I love you Jack. Now, that's enough of that. If any of you activists come over my garden wall pressuring Jack to demand equal status or organize into a syndicate, I will command him to attack with extreme prejudice and am not responsible for the brutal "licking" you'll receive.
Finally, I reach my point. Jack is now the official mascot of Sacred Ground Magazine. You freeloaders can still read the site without buying my critically-acclaimed book, but I'm working on a technology where you'll have to swear allegiance to Jack for site access. Until then, we'll use the honor system assuming that all readers duly respect the Jackmeister. Feel free to post comments of your undying affection for him. Then I'll attempt to translate these during one of our intimate lord and master / pet and fetcher talks. Penelope Cruz is still welcome to post comments about her undying affection, but she no longer means "Jack" to me. Sorry baby, I've moved on.