Travel Guides Are For Whimps

Some people want their travel tamed. They prefer to avoid getting arrested or infected, even though this means they'll never write a gripping adventure book like mine or be nursed back to health (literally) by voluptuous jungle women. I just don't get it.

Still, if you're gonna walk around with a travel book under your arm, at least choose one that won't embarrass you or me. I recommend Footprint Guides. The fact that author Ben Box sent me a free copy of their new Peru Handbook doesn't mean I'm biased, nor does the fact that he enclosed a lovely botanical card mean he's gay.

Back to my point. You don't need a volume written by a backpacking surfer dude who thinks it's a lonely planet because his mommie hasn't emailed or sent money in a few days. Know what I mean? You need an elegant, accurate, meticulous tome written by a British guy. Trust me on this.

Despite colonial evils we've all come to know and hate, the British Empire's obsessive-compulsive organization and detail-mongering is one of the forces that held this spinning globe together for centuries, so the rest of us could party. After reading a Footprint Handbook, I'm convinced that Brits should no longer dominate the seas or brown people but should rule the travel guide world. That's my opinion, and I don't expect it to change when I sober up.

I enjoyed seeing maps for grownups in the middle of Ben's book. I don't need big red stars everywhere to indicate McDonald's Restaurants or someone else's idea of the funnest stuff to do. I was glad to find historical and cultural material. Putting it in the back, where it doesn't frighten buyers, is fine. The photos are stunning. So, ladies, when you need systematic travel info, turn to Footprints. However, if you are finding it a lonely planet and have less-analytical needs, call me.