Pope Francis Needs To Get Laid

The title of this post is neither disrespect nor jest but a serious theological proposal that I will now defend sincerely and brilliantly. Here we go. Pope Francis recently visited the most powerful nation and economic engine in the history of the world for the 1st time. He gave a speech to the U.S. Congress. His message stressed that people should care for the poor and governments should "share" resources by redistributing them from the rich to the poor. He's absolutely correct on the 1st point but dangerously and immorally wrong on the 2nd. I believe he's sincere in his desire to help the poor. However, unless he gets himself a good woman, his papacy will add to global poverty rather than reduce it. This isn't a joke, so let me now explain.

In my world travels, I've enjoyed the sailboats and country clubs of the rich. While hanging out with the wealthy, I've encountered plenty who lack all compassion for the masses condemned to a life of privation at birth. I've even encountered some willing to deny the masses equal opportunity for success, in order to bolster the advantages of their own offspring. Pope Francis is right in his rejection of such sinful attitudes and actions. Yet, I've also spent equal time chilling with my buds in slums and barrios of the world. Unlike the Pope, I'm deeply aware of and convicted about the major cause of poverty on earth.

In India, Kenya, Mexico, and the United States, impoverished communities where I've laughed, backslapped, hugged, and cried with my friends share one thing in common. Generation after generation, most children grow up without the benefit of a father and mother devoted to each other and the family. There is no greater prosperity producing force on earth than a man who devotes his life, muscles, and testosterone to the woman he loves with the breasts that give refuge to him and milk to their children.

You may not like the primal reality that men and women, yin and yang, hooters and wang are codependent forces and cornerstones of nature, but you are a fool if you stubbornly refuse to admit it. Even PC Princeton University recently published research confirming again that growing up with both a mother and father is a leading contributor to a child's emotional and economic well-being.

Everyone knows that testosterone laden men between the ages of 18 and 30 lacking love and committment are the source of most criminal activity. So, why can't politicians in Washington or the Vatican hear and accept that men bound to their women with love and committment are nature's plan for productive familial activity? Real men are a source of real good.

The Vatican holds that the statistically-odd group of men willing to forego hot animal sex for more time spent in libraries and seminaries (known in ancient Latin as geeks) makes up the best pool from which to draw spiritual leaders. Jesus preferred to staff his ministry with burly carpenters and fishermen drawn from Lake Galilee. Like Peter, most early church leaders had wives. All of them had the option to marry, as unmarried biblical-writer Paul noted.

The primal spiritual plan for humanity (where the disposible one with the muscles lays down his life for the indispensible one with the magical built-in milk-machine who responds with loyal devotion) is also the biblical plan for marraige found in the book of Ephesians. While machismos and feminists have perverted views of the plan (where men dominate women rather than adore them) this plan is really sexy and truly works.

The former love of my life (who sadly died awhile back) made my life a paradise for years, telling the whole world what a stud I was. I'm not really a good guy, but when a decent woman knows that her man lives, breathes, and (when necessary) dies for her happiness, fierce loyalty is often the natural result. (One must generally pick a really bad woman or be really bad to a woman to lose her love. If you chose a bad man or bad woman in the past, as I once did, don't give up on nature's plan. Give up on dumb decisions! Why be bitter when you can be better?)

If Pope Francis had a good woman and a real job, he would understand the natural dynamic of how functional families lift future generations from poverty. Instead, he has shamelessly lectured Americans with the same socialist fantasies that have ruined Argentina's economy and squandered its abundant resources for almost a century now.

A spiritual leader must understand that faith in God, a loving partner, meaningful work, and a healthy body make life great, not government redistributions like the monthly welfare-card deposits that "pillbillies" in Appalachia and "crack hoes" in Detroit often use to purchase cases of soda, which are exchange currency for buying meth, booze, smokes, blow jobs and prescription drugs to numb the pain of a dysfunctional life. Big government redistributions have never been a solution for human misery, no matter how much cloistered intellectuals like making themselves feel good by thinking so.

Latinos in general are accustomed to Argentinians like Francis traversing the Americas with a superiority complex. They do have some of the world's most sensual food and romantic music. However, the arrogance that frequently accompanies this is a running joke in Latin America. I was once so annoyed by an Argentinian touting his superiority in a cantina that I demanded he explain why a blue-eyed Nazi grandfather made him better than brown folks or shut the hell up. A timid smattering of Mexican bar patrons applauded my rude comment.

Unless one blasphemously contends that the Pope has no sin, it's not off limits to suggest that his lack of humility about his economic ignorance borders on sinful mischief, endangering the poor who need real spiritual solutions not sweet-sounding political bullshit. If every man was passionately devoted to his woman, it would transform this world more in one day than all the socialist revolutions in history. My advice that Francis get himself a hot woman, which the Bible says he has every right to do, is only offensive to those who love religious tradition more than impoverished children. Shame on such folks!

Yes, I boldly stand on the moral high ground here, which isn't a common occurrence for a guy like Lyn Fuchs. So, don't fuck with me on this. I need to savor the moment. Why would I want to be politically correct, when I can just be correct and maybe help some children. Margaret Thatcher said, "No one would remember the Good Samaritan, if he'd only had good intentions. He had money as well." In the real world, Pope Francis could help the poor by adding more humility and a grasp of reality to his good intentions. Most brash men learn some of both from a good woman. If there's a woman out there with the spiritual heart, intellectual mind, and animal body to seduce Pope Francis and make an honest man out of him, I urge you to go forth and do the Lord's work - and God bless you my uber-hot child.