Final Solution To The Jewish Problem

Every once in a while, some racist moron loses control of the toxic sludge boiling up from his heart and blurts out: "The damn Jews have taken over Hollywood!"

PC sensitivity police quickly respond with their usual moral clarity: "You can't say that in public!" Maybe it's time for a less-idiotic response to the "Jewish Problem." (Dare I say a "final solution"?)

Long long ago, in a galaxy far far away, European Jews weren't allowed to own land, but were more or less herded into urban ghettos. Those who wished to enjoy the fruit of their labor and a sense of security accumulated precious gems and metals (JEWelry), rather than real estate. Though jealous neighbors called it hoarding, this was a wise practical adaptation to the cultural context.

In the new-but-already-tarnished world, Jews could own land. Yet, a middle-class life was still hard to attain. Few gentiles supported their local Jewish professional when there was a perfectly good white boy to do business with. Many Jews, like Harry Houdini, found their way into a career path that was held in the same esteem as "crack ho" is today: show business.

As stage entertainment evolved into screen pictures, the industry's reputation for attracting outcasts and airheads remained. Warner Brothers president Harry Warner responded to the invention of audio film with the quip, "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" (A question we should be asking more today.)

The fact that the swamp land of Hollywood (some of the only soil Jews were actually encouraged to till) turned out to be a diamond mine is an inspiring tale of work-plus-creativity-plus-luck equals success. Good people should give this story a standing ovation. If New York is proud of Little Italy, Miami of Little Havana and San Francisco of Chinatown, there's no good reason why the Hollywood Hills sign shouldn't be proudly changed to Jewtown.

Is there something unseemly about a high percentage of Spielbergs and Katzenbergs mulling around the same corner? Should we have the cops break 'em up? No! All this whispering about the preponderance of Kleins and Steins in the film credits is a surrender to the pettiness of the racist and the timidness of the politically correct. (Should we also be keeping a wary eye on the Canuck presence in the hockey industry or must we deny Wayne Gretzky's existence too?)

The "final solution" for the "Jewish problem" is for people to grow up. In the poker game of life, playing the hand you're dealt (with skill and honor) is far more productive than obsessing over why a Jap or a Gypsy got the Ace of Spades. Racist antagonisms and PC fantasies do nothing to improve this world. So, load up the car for vacation and tell the kids with a warm eager smile that you're going to Disneyland then Jewtown. If you happen to see Rachel Weiss, tell her I'm willing to be recircumsized by a blind man with a rusty knife, if she'll meet me for coffee.

Still, don't be ashamed to watch the new Mel Gibson movie Get The Gringo, which was more or less banned from American theaters. It's a fairly good action film with realistic glimpses of Mexico's seedy underbelly. Plus, as long as Hollywood is sustaining the careers of woman abusers and possible rapists like Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men) and Mike Tyson (The Hangover I & II), they have no business faking moral outrage at Mel's apparently-unacted-upon racism. Mel has as much right to hold his head high as the rest of the Hollywood nutcases and degenerates. (That would be not much.)