Thursday, March 21, 2019
Meet the World's Sexiest English Professors
Emotionally traumatized feminists may think I shouldn't be commenting on people as objects of beauty. They'd be wrong too. All humans are eternal spirits but also physical objects of visual elegance. Of course, you shouldn't treat any woman like she's just a piece of ... er ... um ... furniture. Still, when my woman rides behind me on my motorcycle, she's one of the world's most comfy sofas. Don't even get me started on her amazing decorative pillows. Plus she thinks I'm the world's best jar opener, but she doesn't view me only as a kitchen tool. I'm a handy tool in other rooms too, if you know what I'm sayin'. Of course, many folks think I'm just generally a tool - and that is truly objectifying and disrespectful and mean and barely true.
Here at Papaloapan University, professors comprehend the deepest truths about life, but those who get their information from the internet can only see reality in two dimensions, so we give you eye candy photos, instead of the superior intellectual education you would get at our university. Sure you could go to Harvard, but anyone who is 1/1024 parts Cherokee can do that. Only the few, the proud, the battle hardened from fighting off men like flies can survive the brutal punishment of the Oaxacan rainforest and my lame jokes.
If you wanna virtue signal how much you respect women as more than pretty shiny objects, you should apply to join our fun cool team of professors and actually talk with Morgan and Barbara, instead of just gawking at their photos or having them enlarged and sewn into snuggly pillows. You might be asking if we only hire beautiful people. Well up to this point, all our staff are frighteningly good looking. However, we're launching a diversity campaign to give preference in the next hiring to ugly people. Sadly, that means I can't hire anyone, because I'm so spiritual I don't see anyone as ugly. If you don't believe me, just ask anyone - then keep asking until you find someone who will agree how spiritual I am. I'm so spiritual that when I teach nursing classes packed with hot Latinas, I only see disembodied spirits in tight-fitting white uniforms. If you think my humor is totally inappropriate, you should get your do-gooder tush down here to the rainforest, so you can help students do gooder with their English and help me do gooder as an enlightened person like yourself. If you want to join our gorgeous team, send your resume to firstname.lastname@example.org. Hurry - we may even need to replace Morgan and Barbara after they read this post.