Sunday, July 6, 2014

How to Find Breathtaking Orgasmic Romance

Come on baby light my fire!
The most shockingly romantic moment I remember took place on the shore of Lake Atitlan in Guatemala. Now brace yourself for this one. I was sitting down in a boat preparing to shove off from the dock, when an unforgettable woman floated across the gangplanks like a breeze, simultaneously apologizing for her tardiness and gracing us with her presence merely by her body language. That's when it happened. On a nearby pier, a dirty barefoot indigenous fisherman watched the woman in astonishment then cried out in spontaneous desperation, "Princess, I don't know you and I have nothing to offer you, but give me one chance and I will work for you all my life!"

This was not a line or a joke. What we had just witnessed was a human soul unfettered by logical calculation or social constrant releasing its honest longing like a baby expelling a fart. The passengers all gasped. Every man seemed to regret the absence of such single-minded passion in his life and every woman appeared to fear that she would never receive such adoration. We rich Americans suddenly felt very poor. So how can those of us who still have the courage to believe in romance, who haven't retreated to the cold safety of cynicism that views human relations simply as an exchange of commodities, find breathtaking passion? Here's what I think.

Now don't go using those jedi mind tricks on me princess!
Let's start with the men. We guys may indulge the fantasy that we can be strong and independent forever. That our dog and truck and gun and cabin will protect us from a world that challenges our emotional intelligence and may have knocked us down when we attempted to take our initial romantic baby steps. We can vote conservative to protect ourselves from the enslaving dominion of politicians who will never stop demanding more of our liberty.

Still, nothing can exempt us from the male/female dynamic of the universe. The mesmerizing power that a beautiful woman has to command the worship of a man whose muscles could effortlessly snap her neck is not cruel and unusual punishment. It's nature's recipe. Though a man may be as vulnerable in the arms of a woman as Samson was sleeping in the lap of Delilah, it's only there that he finds escape from the primal jungle in which he must struggle to fullfill his duty as a man. Bruce Springsteen sang, "The whole world is out there just trying to score. I've seen enough; I don't want to see any more. Cover me. I'm looking for a lover who will come on in and cover me."

I may wear the pants but she can wear me out!
A man who joins the "all women are bitches" club may avoid hurt but he will surely avoid paradise. The wisdom to choose a woman with a spirit that won't hurt you, even as you're distracted by a body that brings you to your knees, may be the ultimate test of your herculean strength. You can run but you can't hide. You were born to tremble in the presence of a goddess, almost as Moses trembled in the presence of the Almighty.

Man up and prepare for your encounter with a force of nature much greater than any combustion engine or gaming technology. Bob Seger sang, "Once inside a woman's heart, a man must keep his head. Heaven opens up the door, where angels fear to tread." Stop comforting yourself with the "I don't need a woman" bullshit then dare to cry out desperately and foolishly when a princess walks by. Many will call you sexist, but it will be worth it when you see the blushing of her cheeks, not to mention blood rushing to her inner thighs.

Strap yourself in boy for the ride of your life!
Your turn ladies. You have every right to sturdy yourself after a painful encounter with a bad guy. You may even require the pain-relieving delusion that all men are pigs, until you're ready for the more helpful and truthful admission that you chose a pig and wallowed a bit in the mud. You have the right to vote for liberal politicians based on the irrational premise that a man who tells you he loves you over coffee threatens your independence, but a slimy politician on TV who says he'll take care of you is a woman's friend.

However, when you've attained complete independence from your boy-toy with separate career trajectories, bank accounts, friendship circles, and maybe even bedrooms, should happiness still elude you, consider the possibility that nature isn't your enemy, only a fine stallion you have yet to ride like a real cowgirl. Get up and dust off your boots. Step into the corral and square off with a real man worthy of riding under your brand. When the smoke clears, there will be no black hats or white hats, no machismos or feminists, only two serious badasses with mutual respect and blissful yin-yang codependence.

Gentlemen start your engines, but handle the curves with care!
July 4th celebrated separation from a tyrannical government. Even so, establishing distance from the opposite gender is its own kind of bitter slavery. As the Eagles sang in Desperado, "Freedom? - well that's just some people talking. Your prison is walking through this world all alone. It may be raining, but there's a rainbow above you. You better let somebody love you - before it's too late." (If you're still breathing, it's not too late.)

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