Tuesday, August 27, 2013

May Not Be Suitable For Grannies

Finally, my new book got a bad review. It’s about time! I don’t know about you, but I was getting a little tired of famous authors droning on and on about how brilliant and revolutionary Fresh Wind & Strange Fire is. Just in the nick of time, [see note] an elderly Welsh lady awarded it only two stars on Goodreads. She said that my “schoolboy sexual innuendo” isn’t her “cup of tea.”

Actually, my work isn’t really anyone’s cup of tea. It’s more like frothy hot chocolate licked from bisexual Amber Heard’s navel by a horde of lusty Vikings. I've tried to compose some boring pretentious shit, as any serious literary author should, but I just couldn’t get into it. So, I lazily backslid into scribbling funny, sexy, brutally-honest stuff again.

Regrettably, Mennonites and Faukland Island quilting circles may find this book deeply disappointing. Please accept my most-nearly-sincere apology. As the politicos say, I’m truly sorry if the things I’m accused of doing (but do not admit to doing) have offended anyone or caused someone to have a feeling that could quite easily and understandably be mistaken for offense.

Therefore, let me clarify and summarize. If you’re reading this post surrounded by lace doilies and fundamentalist religious tracts or listening to a grandfather clock and the Everly Brothers, don’t buy my book. You won’t like it. Everyone else: stop the surfing and start ordering! Love all you grannies out there and I promise to someday write a potpourri-scented coffee-table-book just for you.

Note to teen readers: "Just in the nick of time" is an old granny expression which is completely unrelated to that grotesque mutant lovechild of Vanilla Ice and Michael Jackson known as Justin Bieber. The only Lyn/Bieber connection I'm aware of is his reputed statement that fans who really love him should borrow their parents' credit cards and buy as many copies of my book as possible.

1 comment:

  1. You know, I would have never thought of him as the love child of Vanilla and Mikey J... but now, yeah, I see it!